Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Sun Nov 9 04:02:59 2008.

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.
Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels rather isolated and alone, but is too reserved to allow herself to form deep attachments. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.

Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.

Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.


Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

Your Existing Situation

Works well in cooperation with others. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.


Your Stress Sources

Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.


Your Desired Objective

Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.


Your Actual Problem

Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.


Your Actual Problem #2

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

...and it seems that perhaps also out of time?

Whatever, it doesn't matter. I thought I was doing well. I'd had a pretty good run of about two months or so without feeling like absolute crap, which was GREAT. Especially since the two people who tend to make me feel the most like crap aren't even a part of my life anymore... which isn't to say I was the one to kick them out. To be perfectly honest, they both wrote themselves out of my life in messy, unfortunate ways after unfortunate events. Saying that this happened and the two of them doing it in the first place doesn't change the fact that, at one point, we were very important to the other's lives and dear to one another's hearts. Which is why writing about it now rises the bile in my throat, because they did mean so much to me and they both effectively tore themselves out of my life expecting me to know why. But, as I am sentimental and have a hard time simply cutting people out of my life (as they apparently don't), it is not out of the ordinary for me to check up on them. It's so hard for me to just stop caring.

Which is what led to this defenseless, potentially self-involved note. Checking up on these people simply reminds me what we once had, which raises feelings of joy, remorse and disappointment. I guess what I miss is meaning that much to someone else, which is probably why I keep checking up on them. Unfortunately in my case, this kind of intense and close relationship tends to not so much dissolve over time as EXPLODE - suddenly, violently, and without any prior notice. Coupled with my desire to have an equally close and meaningful relationship with someone again is a fear that it's all just going to blow up in my face, making for a part three of my dreadful relationship tragedy. It makes me sick and uncertain, and I hate it.

So, at the risk of sounding cliche, here it is: To each of you, and all of you, who have written me off or out in your own way, the best of luck to you. May you each be happy and healthy and better off. I hope that you find bliss and success in your endeavors, and find it in your heart to forgive, if not love again. I let you go, at this time. Be free. And, if in future we should meet, I hope that you act with grace and kindness and let bygones be bygones. If nothing else, I hope we can smile at what we once shared while recognizing that now we are where we should be.

( Oh Boy )
***

Good lord. This is why I shouldn't go out in public. It's been like this:

Friday - don't know exactly what to think. i drop those words, "i don't have a boyfriend," like an atomic bomb, coy with (un)intention, and suddenly you go rapt. i want to put you at ease because you seem nice, and the way you've been looking at me lets me know you want to know more. i sit next to you semi-uncomfortably positively WRACKING my brain trying to come up with something worth your time, your interest. i am close to giving up and i tell the girl sitting on the other side that i recognize this song from dj'ing, that i know everything from the release date to the band to the album title, probably the library number too, if i stretched. then suddenly you jump on that idle piece of information as though it's a life raft. you must know more, and we speak for a few frenzied moments before the lights start to dim and we continue whispering throughout the intro. i am sweetly enchanted, but the tale ends here tonight. we part and go our separate ways and at the end i know nearly nothing.

Saturday - kind of hoping i see you again. not likely as friend has brought her kind of boyfriend, not the friend who's friends with you. friend is excited though and is whispery and giggly and won't tell why. finally there is an opportune moment where she grabs me and hisses through clenched teeth lest someone else hear that you think i'm cute. that's all she says. i am unsurprised because of your attentions but thoroughly flattered.

Sunday - i start thinking about it. i start overthinking about it. i realize that if you could throw the men that i have loved in a pot, stir it up, and lift out the finished product it would probably look kind of like you. part dream, part jon brion, the kind of guy who shimmies out of his coat once inside the theatre. sweet. meltingly achingly adorable. my brain has turned to goo and though normally i would care, today i don't because apparently you are interested back. this makes the heat crackle more sharply than normal. i am giggly and curious, but even friend knows very little other than what she originally told. i am left frustrated by your enigma. however, i learn i get to see you again in five days.

Monday - four days is too long to conceal my curiosity. i am secretive and reflective and realize things i probably should have before. namely, that you were just as eager to talk to me as i was to you. that's new. i remember you leaning in and smiling and everything, so close it felt strange not to touch you. i spend all day away and on the way home a stranger hits on me on the bus and to get him to stop i craft an imaginary boyfriend out of thin air who sounds surprisingly like you. he backs off and then i get to thinking... that i do too much thinking.

Tuesday - i write this and realize three days is so far away. i have millions of miles to write and by the time it's midnight friday i am going to be a dead horse getting beaten. i am tired already and it's only from one night on four hours' sleep. i am writing and writing and still all i can think of is not what i'm writing about and it's a wonder i can finish ten papers today and not think about any of them. i smile without thinking and it must show because people smile back. and i am at a loss. three days.

Oh
my
God.

Praise be to Jesus and Krishna and Gaia and whoever else made today possible, because I possibly just had one of the best hours of my life. Seriously. We did meet up at around 1:30, he did love his present, and we did nerd out over coffee. Okay, maybe it was chai, and I was the only one drinking anything because he was saving all his money to buy comics, but still. Oh heck yes. Nerd date! (kind of? maybe? it's hard to interpret what it's called when you're meeting up with your ex-Bio TA to give him a thank you/Christmas present, but you end up hanging out for an hour talking and taking a field trip to the comic store, and dashing across the street. But whatever it was, whatever you want to call it, it was AWESOME.)

***

so, i'm lost.

against all odds, and against all that my brain is telling me. i. am. lost.

it was amazing, and fun, and everything i was (expecting? hoping?) it to be. we talked, i had chai, we went to the comic book store and we did, indeed, nerd out. we talked about where i grew up and what his college was like, and carl jung and psychology, and sex shops and the ghettoness of spokane, and whether or not mary jane (or GWEN???) was really spiderman's true love. it was awesome.

dude, i kind of want to do it again.

i
am
lost.

and and and
he's considerate
adventurous
reckless
wide-eyedly optimistic
and
he held the door open for me. thrice.

He is funny, smart and deep as heck. Holy hell. He even likes the same comic books I do. I'm nervous about tomorrow... But it is stupid. He will sympathize about the fish and laugh at all of the random Christmas candy I made, because I was sad about the death of Ampster. RIP, little guy.

But on the other hand... he did ask me what the word was on tomorrow on my wall... and I really hope someone sees it and gets mad and/or verrrrrrrrrrry curious about what the haps are... indeed. ^.^ Is all the nervousness about meeting up with him because it's the first kind of date I've ever set up? Maybe... Or maybe it was his insistence to meet off campus at Moro or Daily Grind. Then everyone could see us! *shifty eyes* That'd be entertaining. I'd rather meet him at Moro, just because me and the Daily Grind have so much history of me hanging out with random people that have no correlation to Dan. Besides, meeting in a place other than his office kind of shows that he has a different view of meeting with me other than a "here is your gift, i hope you enjoy" "thank you and merry christmas" situation. Maybe we'll get to talk and nerd out to each other, or something.

I am actually shaking. Why oh why am I nervous? At any rate, he is a nice and fun guy, and we should have some nice fun tomorrow. With each other. Ohgodohgod.

I have eaten enough sweets over the past few days to allow for some very Technicolored vomiting. Here's hoping it won't happen.

I love how my titles very often have nothing to do with what my post is about. Anyway:

I think I've exhausted all my potentialities for fun until my mom gets home. Then she's going to instruct me on the ways of making chocolate bark... should be very yum, and hopefully not boring. I was thinking a few moments ago, and I realized that if Dan is graduating this summer (he's been attending school even in the summer to get his PhD faster), he's going to be in town. Most of his other friends will be gone, since it is summer, but I will not be, since I live here. Thus, we will probably be spending some time together, even if it is just going to see movies or meeting for coffee. This is a possibility that makes me a little bit happy, but also makes me feel more tired than I have felt in days. I'm not sure why.

I probably am doing what Anne warned me what I'm doing, and "growing out" of some of my friends. I try my best, but I just can't seem to get excited about overtly advertising sex (which is what passes as flirting when you're Ish), consuming copious amounts of booze (3/4 of WSU's idea of fun), and/or sophomoric humor (Donny and the rest). Maybe it's what Donny meant by saying, years ago, that I'm "just no fun." Sometimes, I've got to sit back, curl into myself and be serious for a while. If some of my friends don't understand that, fine. It's just that I need to figure out what I need, and sometimes, uncontrollable fits of giggling over something incredibly stupid is just not it.

...Of why I am here, why I am doing all of this.

Of why no one seems to prefer me over anyone else but him, but why, since other people prefer him over me, I get shut out regardless.

This would be a good time to remind me why I shouldn't take up smoking. Then again, I could always drink like a fish tonight at the SWANK afterparty- I know I won't, because I'd feel like an idiot later on, but still. The temptation is there, the pain and annoyance are sharp, and I'm feeling very unsatisfied.

This is where I'm at right now. Essentially, I'm going through this kind of minor crises where i want to move out of my house, and either double major in biology AND elementary education, or at least minor in bio, or something. I hate having so many interests. If I were to get a minor in everything I wanted to minor in, I'd be in school for twenty years, I swear.

I want to move out because 1, Aunt Sharon is moved in with us again, 2, I feel really isolated being so far out from campus and such, and 3, I want a kitty, or at least a decent fish tank. Seriously. Or, if I'm really lucky and if whoever up in the heavens is smiling upon me, I can find a nice boy (coughdancough) who'd date me and invite me to move in with him. Or that's just me. Either way, I feel very frustrated because I don't feel like I have very many close friends anymore, I feel way more reliant on my parents than maybe I should at this age, I want a freakin' kitty!, I miss my friends that live far away, I want a freakin' boyfriend and either I'm really ugly or I'm just really picky (because sure as hell I don't have one), I want money (which I would need if I were living out of house), and I want to be challenged or at least interested by my coursework (currently not happening).

I don't know.
I don't know.
I guess it's like this: either I stay at home and stay really freaking frustrated with my life at large, or I get a job to pay for my apartment and my cat and take on a more challenging courseload (which would be a lot to handle all at once). Either I don't change things, or I change things to the point they're virtually unrecognizable.

*cries out of frustration*

a prom with a boy in a silly dress?
a night laughing your ass off with friends?
a day spying on someone who turns out to be spying on you?
a song from wilco?
a pill that makes your burps smell disgusting?
a dream that makes you want to stay asleep just five minutes more?
a basket to keep your things in?
a place of your own?
a movie that makes you laugh so hard, you don't know if you're offended or delighted?
a message from a very pretty boy, closer than most?
a warm fuzzy sweater?
a pair of half-hemmed jeans?
a semi-drunken party at hanus's house?
a house to yourself?
a bar of really fantastic chocolate?
a moment of awkward that turns out to be nothing compared to what happened next?
a mysterious deposit of exactly thirty dollars in your checking account?
a new bottle of red hair dye?
a silver ring from the crone's cupboard?
a handmade smudge stick?
a well-kept collection of jones soda?
a variety of esoteric knowledge?
a handmade scarf?
a long overdue road trip?

Ha ha ha, I think I know.

Okay, maybe not entirely. It's certainly the best twenty bucks I've spent on online shopping in the past few months. In short, I got Songs for Christmas from Sufjan! It's amazing and comes with all sorts of amusing little things. (Read the lyrics/tabs... They'll rock your face off). I'm hearting it majorly. If I were feeling more verbose I'd elaborate, but I've been kind of twitchy lately and I don't think I have much attention span left to spend on this entry. Oh well. Maybe later.

I'm sick. I'm sick and I don't know where I fit. My neck and back and legs are stiff and sore, but I don't have bacterial meningitis because I haven't been throwing up. If I felt better I might be watching A Lie of the Mind, or going to the drag show, but I'm not.

So Tez called me today, to tell me he had bird flu. He really doesn't, but he thought it was a fairly funny thing to say since he had recently tried to nurse a bird back to health before accidentally stepping on it, and has since then contracted the flu. This conversation was cut rather short because he had to rush off to work. Understandable, I suppose. What I suppose isn't so understandable is why I get a rushed "Hey guess what I have bird flu hahahahahaha oh I have to go to work, talk to you later bye," while some of our friends get rather nice, polite myspace messages about how he misses them and would like to talk to them, and other various nice and affectionate nothings. Instead of nice things like that, I get news of "bird flu" and his obtainment of a "friend with benefits" who is also named Sarah but is 20.

Why f-ing why, is what I want to know.

Because I can, this is a list of things that I think I would be a much happier girl for acquiring:

-the finish of my timeline/leftover scarf. It is so called because of its long and varied history since I began working on it. The yarn itself is mostly leftovers from other projects, some of them gifts and some dear possessions; the process of working on it is just as piecemeal. I began it here, in Pullman, worked on it in the Pullman bus station, the bus to Boise, Anne's house, the bus from Boise, my room, my living room, outside Todd Hall, inside Daggy Hall... the list goes on. Each transition in the colors is a transition in place, in mood, and it's going to be a lovely addition to my wardrobe. I'm excited for the completion of it.

-some really good chocolates. I'm not talking about Cowgirl truffles or Endangered Species bars, I'm talking about hand-dipped Parrots, or Spokandy, or even chocolate covered cherries. I want something that feels indulgent and maybe a little forbidden, but is sweet all the same. Part of the reason I think I'm craving chocolate covered cherries is the way I eat them. This process is probably inappropriate for small children, but it's not like I came up with it simply so any males within sight lose control of their faculties... Basically I bite off a bit of chocolate coating, eat it, and lick and suck as much of the cordial out of the middle of it as I can. At some point I eat more of the chocolate and flick the cherry out and into my mouth with my tongue. Then, I eat the rest of the chocolate! Like I said, kind of perverse sounding (and looking...) but then again, my reasons to come up with this were purely based on practicality. (Avoiding stickiness... and NO not like that!)

-some really cute boy to give and or feed me chocolates. This is almost but not completely self-explanatory. I want a sweet boy (no pun intended) and buying flowers or chocolates for yourself is little to no fun. I think it'd be much nicer as the gift from a boyfriend... sadly as I have never had one I wouldn't really know from experience.

-gophone with a pay-as-you-go unlimited mobile-to-mobile plan. This is probably the most overplayed item of the list, simply because it's been in the works for several months (think three, maybe more) and yet, still not obtained. I'm planning on calling Radio Shack in the morning and finding out if they have any Motorola C139's, and if they do I'll get one from there instead of the website. Much easier that way, since I prefer instant gratification over a wait.

Number nine on that list: "The man I'm flirting with used to be my biology TA."

...

Need I say more?

So a few random things happened, I found out. Firstly, J. finally got up the courage to ask the other J. what exactly their relationship is. He told her just what I was expecting him to tell her: that he wasn't sure, that he treasured their friendship but wasn't looking for something more, especially with all the different kinds of distance, etc etc. What this means, of course, is that she was quite upset for the beginning of the week, and has now mysteriously calmed down. I learned this while at the STAGE meeting today, while pretending not to listen while listening as intently as I could. Luckily, I was sitting right next to the girl she was telling this to so I was able to catch just about all of it. Now, since he is coming back next week, at least for the weekend, would it be completely contrary to all personal decency to make myself excruciatingly available next friday? I mean, seriously.

Other thing is that I'm going to Boise this weekend. I realize this means very little to most of you, considering the fact that everyone but Anne and Jaime have moved.

Other other thing is talking about my Bio TA. Now he remembers my name and flirts with me. As I work on assignments, sometimes when I look up, he looks swiftly away, with a hint of guilt. Life looking up. Am heartened by what Sheila's new boyfriend had to say about it, "Twenty-three? You're eighteen, right? .... No, I don't think that's too old." I had to giggle, and admit that against my better judgement I'd have to hand it to him simply for saying that little piece of reassurance. I mean, there were at one point five guys I'd really enjoy dating in this town... And in the past six months that number has diminished to two. I'm a very picky girl, so... Odds to find a boy who is also dating material are definitely not in my favor, you might say. All signs point to finding an in to an in.

---

So I spent time in your head last night
Never thought what to expect
Inside I found a deep dim cave
That glowed with purple lights

Strung across the walls they were,
Lazily drifting upon the air
You held open the door for me
Politely; a kind young sir

I thought that I might stay awhile
You put on a pot of tea
Convincing me to stay 'til morn
And spare my feet the miles

We laughed and talked and drank all night
And when the morning came,
You kissed me on the lips and said
"Everything will be all right"

Then you lifted me in your arms
And to your soft warm bed
I fell asleep, holding you close
Knowing I was safe from harm.

indescribable

So I got called last night around 11:00 pm by a friend on the other side of the state. It wasn't an extraordinarily long phone call or anything, but at first I found it very thoughtful that he'd done so. After all, since moving roughly two weeks ago I've only spoken to him twice, and that was after I initiated contact. What ultimately happened, though, is that he neglected to speak or listen to me for probably half of the "conversation," being at the time too preoccupied with his roommates. This leads to the declaration, "If you're going to call me, talk to me. If you are going to talk to your friends (whom you have the opportunity to speak to every day) while you are still on the phone with me, prepare to hear the dial tone."

So of late, Sarah has been indulging in some retail therapy. Nothing over the top, mind, just a few things here and there. Her most expensive purchase to date was a plum sweater, merely twenty or so dollars. She is nothing if not thrifty. The goal of these means is to own nothing that she is not absolutely in love with. This does not mean to become enamoured of material objects. This means that if she does not love it, it should not be cluttering up her room. Period.Purchases today included a copy of "Barenaked Ladies Are Me," a black lace tank top, and a t-shirt she will eventually splatter paint over, at least partially, because part of the text does not resonate with her at this time. Aside from that, she loves it.

Speaking of love. My arm feels scraped raw. I'm not sure what I did to it, or if I did anything at all to it. It's an interesting feeling to expect your arm to be bleeding, but when you turn it over all you can see is white, unblemished skin. Quite unnerving. I've done something stupid, I fear, or worse. The last thing I want to do at this point (but also the first thing I want to do, hence the fear) is to become fixated on an object I will not get. I'm worried that this is happening, that it has already happened. I'm doing it again. The older man thing. I wish I could stop, but it's the only way to travel. Today felt like some horrifying sequel to the night months ago, when a perfect stranger and I shot come-hither looks at each other over everyone else's heads. Later I was paralyzed with the fear he'd left with another girl, and found out nights later that he hadn't. I came across a similar scenario today, when a particularly dashing young man charmed me for a fair portion of the afternoon. I thought I was doing particularly well, and thought nothing of his inquiry into where a certain area code was from. In fact, I offered my meager assistance to the matter and noted with satisfaction the cell phone he had was very similar to the one I've been considering purchasing for months now. What came to mind later, though, was the possibility that the area code belonged to the phone number that perhaps also belonged to the girl in our acquaintance that had just left the room. You're kidding me. With my luck, it's just a silly paranoid Sarah thing. With my luck, I'm buying my fucking prepaid cell phone tomorrow just so that on the off chance my wildest hopes may realize themselves tomorrow night and I may have a cell number to offer any inquiring young single male within sight of me.

On that note, I've decided what I'm going to be for Halloween. Well, sort of. In typical Gemini fashion, I've narrowed my options to two possibilities: a fairy or the Luna Moth. In either case, I get to wear a short skirt, glitter, and pretty wings. In the first case, I'd have some work to do, namely finding some nice fabric to tear to shreds and stitch together to make a suitable fairy dress, and pinning up silk flowers in the mess of dark curls cascading from the top of my pale, pretty head. In the second case, I'd get to be a superhero, and there would be significantly fewer things to purchase. The Luna Moth, as befitting a hero designed by a lovelorn albeit fictional young man, wears tall black boots, fishnet stockings, green panties, a black skirt, and a green corset. For practicality's sake, I'd forgo the corset in favor of a bustier covered with a facade of green satin, but other than that... I'd have everything I'd need to pull off the Luna Moth, sans wings, but those are easily obtained at any costume shop this time of year. Also, the Luna Moth luckily also is described as having wild, curly dark hair, and ironically enough, a shy, bookish alter ego. When I read the passage that describes her, I decided I'd just found my role model.

it's a wide big scary world out there
don't know where i'm going next
getting pulled in five thousand directions
each of them as true as the rest
soft eyes cajoling, light beating from the spot
the pounding of the microphone
and the baring of a soul
it's amazing and unnerving
i'm not enough for you now
so intimidated and frustrated
all i'm asking is how
can you be like this,
burning so pure and so true
when all that surrounds me
is clogging up all the new
it's brilliant, fantastic,
and i think i see the light
but i can't tell where it's burning
it's clear but it's slight
your voice drops words, rounded
and falling on my ears like silk
like whispers into a pillow pounded
blazing like the summer sun
dimmer than the darkest one
i do not know which way to follow
i can only guess the path i tread
i can only hear each word you said
and i think it was
'follow me'